Outside the Realm of Civilized and Normal Society
Following the dumping, I’ve done what I always do when men disappoint me...
I guess I knew he wasn’t going to make it when he sat in his truck while I did the afternoon critter-chores, but the break-up text at 4:09am still came as a surprise. Since that day little more than a week ago, I’ve done what I always do when men disappoint me. Join me now for the latest updates from the Runamuk Acres Conservation Farm in Maine…
Welcome to the latest Updates From the Farm! If you are new here, I invite you to check out my About page to learn what this is, who I am and why I am doing this. Or just dive right in! At “Runamuk Acres” you’ll find the recantings of one lady-farmer and tree-hugging activist from the western mountains of Maine. #foodieswanted
Dumped
Typically, I shy away from sharing much about my relationships online. What is there to tell, really? My history with men is a graveyard of broken dreams. I’ve had 4 serious relationships in my 44 years, and every one of them is a story of use and abuse on some level. Aside from my own personal growth over time—there’s not much to boast of.
Dan’s break-up text, however, served to illustrate the importance of self-talk and the impact negative thinking can have on your life.
He said he knew I wasn’t really interested in him, and went on to explain all the reasons I couldn’t possibly be interested in him. He ended it and blocked me.
The sad thing is that I really was interested and wanted to build a life with this man.
When I told my BFF about it, she said, “I’ve never seen you more interested in a guy!”
But nothing I said or did convinced him. In his head, Dan had decided my love was false.
It’s ironic to me that this should be the reason for the ending of our relationship, as it was my own negative self-talk which played a part in the downfall of my last relationship. Since then, I’ve actively practiced positive self-talk and positive thinking, using affirmations to retrain my brain, thereby improving my own mental health and well-being. I can see exactly where Dan is at, because I’ve “been there, done that.”
Self-talk is the internal dialogue you have with yourself, also known as your inner voice. It can be purposeful or random, and can be silent or vocalized. Self-talk can be positive or negative, and can have a significant impact on your mental health, well-being, and how you face each day.
Learn more about self-talk with this article from HealthDirect.
I also recommend
and her Positive Mindset Newsletter for anyone interested in practicing a positive mindset.
Leaning In
Following the dumping, I’ve done what I always do when men disappoint me. Leaning in to my work here at Runamuk Acres, I’ve allowed the love of my many critters to fill me up and “gone to ground” by seeking solace in nature.
Now that I’m employed off-farm 35 hours a week, Runamuk needs me more than ever. We’ve managed to cross a few tasks off the list of winterization projects, but I’m far behind where I’d like to be at this time of year and it causes me a fair amount of anxiety.
The chicken coop has been mucked and closed in. I’ve managed to clean the garage and barn, performing numerous trips to the transfer station, and all of the tools and irrigation equipment has been pulled off the gardens.
On the field, the 2 groups of sheep (ewe vs. rams) have made their way around the field and are now a stone’s throw from each other. Today I will allow the boys to join the girls and breeding season will officially begin at the Runamuk Acres Conservation Farm!
Car Trouble
Anyone who knows me knows that I’m rough on cars. In the past, I’ve bought older models to avoid payments. Then, I quite literally work them to death hauling hay, water, feed, equipment for the farm—even animals.
With sheep and Beebe on the field, I use the car to tote 5-gallon buckets filled with water, bales of hay, and anything else I need to cart out to the livestock: supplements, Beebe’s breakfast and dinner, etc. I use the car to go out into the Back-40 to maintain the campsite and the trails. Sporting a tow-hitch, there are even occasions when I’ll use the car to haul the livestock houses across the field.
I would even go so far as to say that the Subie is probably the most important tool on the farm and when she’s down, it really hurts.
Still paying off my outstanding taxes (the reason for seeking off-farm employment in the first place), I’d been holding off on replacing the car in spite of the holes in the frame. I shelled out the $500 a couple weeks back to have the starter replaced so that I could continue to drive it back and forth to school.
But when she refused to start the other morning, I knew there was no way around it. It was time for a new set of wheels.
As a farmer, the relationships I’ve built over time with other business owners in the area has always served me well. Dana Perkins at Anson Auto Sales sold me the Forester 3 years ago, becoming a valued member of the Runamuk CSA program, and has allowed me the use of his truck and trailer for our Hay Missions these last 2 summers. I knew if anyone could get me into a newer car (I have staunchly neglected my credit these last 6 years), it was him.
And so, I bought a car!
Technically, this is BraeTek’s car.
18 in just a few months, my second-born son has worked alongside me since he was young, developing character and work-ethic and I wanted to do this for him. I also couldn’t stand the thought of him on the road in something as run-down as what I’ve been roving around in, so for the first time in 10 years I took an auto loan.
But I’ll drive it until I can refinance it and get something else. Hopefully the truck I’ve always wanted…
Halloween as Lunch-Lady
For privacy and safety reasons, I cannot share pictures of the kids at school, but imagine for a moment Halloween as lunch-lady serving preschool through 4th grades…
I stood there that day looking out the kitchen door at the line of little faces. Each child dressed in a costume that spoke to the unique and individual character of the child’s burgeoning personality and I snapped a couple pictures to share with my supervisor.
When they realized they were being photographed, the kindergardeners in front perked up, cocking their heads and smiling their best smiles. The little boy third from the front of the line leaned out to ensure he was in the shot—totally hamming it up for the camera.
Then, just the other day, I was assailed with hugs from the first graders as I passed through gym class on my way out of school. It’s a special thing and I’m enjoying it immensely.
Not Sustainable
Yet, as much as I am loving the kids at school, I’m more determined than ever to hang onto my farming ambitions—to keep Runamuk’s mission of conservation alive. Even more so in the wake of this recent relationship disaster…
Two and a half months in and it’s already painfully evident that working at the school is not sustainable for the long-term life of the farm. Things are getting paid and investments made, but Monday through Friday the local school district is getting the best part of my day. By the time I get home, there’s not much left of me—or the day.
What’s more, the hard floors have been torture on my poor feet, though investing in a $200 pair of orthopedic shoes has made a big difference.
Already the farm suffers, as I knew it would. Frighteningly behind with winterization projects, I recently came to the conclusion that it would be best to give up the farmstay aspect of the Runamuk operation. Though BraeTek has stepped up in a big way to help manage the house and critter-chores, there’s just no way I can keep the house hotel-clean while working off-farm and still do any farming.
With the goal of returning to full-time farming in the next 2-3 years, I’ve been brainstorming ideas to increase the farm’s income.
Next season I’ll invest in 2-3 more campsites, but I see the need and benefit of creating a passive income. Thus, I’ve been pondering what e-resources or products I might develop to sell online. Materials for gardeners and new homesteaders…any thoughts?
Requests and suggestions are most welcome!
Notes for Members
For locals to the farm who have lamb-shares: I have received notice from Maple Lane Farms that our lamb is ready for pick-up! Now that I have transportation again, I will make the trek early this week to retrieve the meat. Please email runamukacres@gmail.com to schedule pick-up.
For blog-subscribers, in case you missed my most recent piece:
For subscribers to Wild Hearts & Harvests: I’ve published Chapter 8 of On Blackstone Mountain and am currently working on Chapter 1 for my second novel: The Squatter.
Outside the Realm of Civilized and “Normal” Society
I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s unfair of me to bring someone into my life, knowing my heart is already given to this the scrappy patch of Earth, these animals and my purpose. I’m a farmer first and foremost—with a deep connection to nature that makes me a little bit feral, I think.
I crave that connection to nature like a man dying of thirst in the desert craves water. I need it like I need air, and even in the kitchen at school, I’ll have the windows open just to feel attached to the world outside.
Since taking this new off-farm job, afternoon critter-chores on the field have become a sacred vigil. No matter the weather, there is a beauty and wonder in nature that makes my heart sing like nothing else. Every failed relationship, every disappointment only serves to drive me further from the pack.
Wild Woman
by MeI am a wild woman. Watching the moon and the sun rise.
Savoring the feel of the wind. The rain. The snow on my face.
Laying in the grass. Hugging the trees.
Calling farewell to geese flying overhead.
Changing with the turning of the seasons. Always looking to nature.
Untamed and feral. A wild thing.
Less interested, now, in finding a mate or partner. I’m too far outside the realm of civilized and “normal” society now for most people to relate. It’s a gap which seems even wider now that recent election results have come in.
This burning love for the Earth is the reason behind everything I’ve ever done. At the heart of everything I do—everything I am—there is my love for nature and my mission of wildlife conservation.
Nature sustains me in a way nothing and no one else can.
Along the way I was blessed with this house and property which has allowed me to put regenerative methods of agriculture into action, and I’ve watched this ecosystem flourish as a result. Giving up on that now would be like killing a part of myself—soul crushing and dismal.
Dreams
by Langston Hughes
Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.
We have one life. Live authentic, my friends. Follow that desire that burns deep within your soul. Find your purpose and live your truth.
Sending love and good juju to you and yours.
Your friendly neighborhood farmer,
Sam
Thank you for following along with the story of this lady-farmer! It is truly a privilege to live this life serving my family and community, and protecting wildlife through agricultural conservation. Check back soon for more updates from the farm, and be sure to follow @RunamukAcres on Instagram or Facebook!
I love what you're doing!
My experience with men have been very similar.. not sure what's up with that.. most men can't handle strong women, they all want one but cannot handle it.
Breaking up by phone is a cowards move.
Wishing you all the best!!!
It isn't passive income, but you could maybe get some help with farm work by offering some kind of hands on training? Once you have more time, maybe even doing straight up classes could be an income stream. Again, not exactly passive, but you can make a good hourly rate on stuff like that.
Anyway, I wish you luck. The farm is a great (and sometimes sobering) inspiration.